One month ago everyone in my class wrote a paragraph about Masks. I thought mine was OK because the spelling was good. The introductory sentence wasn’t perfect. The concluding sentence was fine. Overall it was good but it does not hook the reader at the start.

 I just made another paragraph on Minecraft Education Edition. My teacher thought we should compare paragraphs.  I got some feedback and this is my new paragraph on Minecraft Education Edition:

Minecraft Should Be an After-School Activity

    What!!!! You think Minecraft should replace traditional teaching!?!?! That’s not my opinion. I think it would be a great after school activity. Firstly, you can do it as homework. I think it would be a great idea because it would make kids enjoy and want to do their homework. Kids would think of it as they think of free time instead of school work and the bonus is that it’s educational!  Secondly, it would be good to calm yourself down if you’re stressed because there’s a lot of calming music. Most people get stressed at school so when they get home they can hear the calming music and they can play a calming game. Thirdly, the teacher can create class challenges like build your house or recreate the class. You don’t even need to use the educational edition because regular Minecraft is good too.  Finally, the reason I don’t want it to replace traditional teaching is because if you play too much you can get addicted. I don’t think kids should be playing video games 24/7, but Minecraft is educational so it’s the best if you play the perfect amount.  Traditional teaching is very important because that’s how you learn, but Minecraft is good to calm kids down after school. So Minecraft should be an after school activity.

I think I improved drastically because my introductory sentence hooks the readers. The concluding sentence was great. I used more transition words and they were spot on. One thing I still need to improve on is sentence structure. I think it makes the reader want to have Minecraft as an after school activity.